Temporary SAHM

I practiced going to work last week. I had an AP conference for 4 days, from 8 to 4:30, pretty much the same hours I will be at school in just three short weeks. But really this is my last week off – my last week to be the temporary stay at home mom.

All summer I’ve tried to remind myself that my stint as a SAHM is temporary. It will repeat itself in 10 months, but it is temporary nonetheless. Last year, when I had to transition back to work from being home with Nora for seven months, I was a total basketcase. How could I send her to daycare? They would never love her like I do. How could I be a good teacher? I wouldn’t have the time to work as hard. I cried every morning when I dropped her off, later in the day at work, and at night when I reflected on just how hard all of this was. It was awful. It was surely the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life.

So this summer I made my best effort to remind myself of the fleeting nature of summer vacation at every possible turn. And I will admit that there were some moments, especially early on as I transitioned to being home, that I wondered if I would survive staying home, that I wished daycare was still an option. But I haven’t had one of those moments recently and looking at the calendar and seeing my Nora time diminishing is starting to make me teary eyed again.

The practice run was great. Nora was with Mimi and Papa, certainly only second to Elmo as people to spend time with. She asks for Mimi and Papa at the lunch table and in the car. So I wasn’t worried about her. I knew they would love her back – not like I do – but pretty close. And she is old enough to communicate now, so they would know just what she needed. The first three days of the conference, I left the house without a problem – said goodbye, got in the car, drove to UT, sat in class – it was all fine. But on the fourth day, when I realized that this practice run was going to become reality rather quickly, I cried on my way out the door.

Sending Nora to Mimi and Papa is one thing. Sending her to daycare is another. She will have new teachers, new classmates, new sickesses (please, not as bad as last year.!). So I sit anticipating it two weeks before it will happen. I know it won’t be as hard as last year, but it will be hard.

The thing is, I just need it to happen. And I need my students in my classroom. The week of teacher prep only gives me time to wonder what Nora is doing, to think about what I would be doing with her if we were home. Once those students walk into my room, I am distracted and dedicated – not that I ever forget about Nora. This anticipation is really the worst part.

And, when it really comes down to it, I think if I didn’t stand at the front of a room full on teenagers on August 24, if I got up, watched Elmo, chased Nora around the yard, said hello to the chickens down the street, I would begin to miss that part of my life too. I really do love teaching. I just hate leaving Nora.